Hero, Villain, Victim Triangle
Whether you are a Professional Coach or a Manager coaching an employee, be aware of your own and others’ roles. Be alert to when you take on the role of “Hero.” It may start as helping and end up as rescuing.
The “Villain” role looks like a blamer and persecutor.
The “Victim” role is the person who feels wronged.
Any of these roles, which undoubtedly we can all fall into at times, prevent us from maintaining effectiveness in our communication and relationships. When we react and fall into one of these roles, the conversation moves from ease and flow to being stuck.
Hero, Villain, Victim Example
Susan wants clarity from her boss, Ted, about her responsibilities. Instead of directly asking Ted, however, Susan shrugs her shoulders and says with a tone of being lost (“Victim”), “Ted, I’m really not sure what you expect of me, and I don’t know what I should be focusing on.”
Ted, taking on the “Villain” role, reacts by saying in an accusatory tone, “What are you talking about? I clearly explained to you exactly what I wanted from you. How can you NOT understand what I expect?”
Susan moves quickly from “Victim” to “Villain” and snaps back, “It wasn’t clear and you even asked me to do something different yesterday.” She immediately follows with, “I’m so confused,” a classic “Victim” line.
Ted, realizing that he did make one exception, jumps to the rescue as he “Hero” with, “I’m sorry. You’re right. Don’t be upset. Let me help you.”
This little dance can continue indefinitely unless one of them stops the process by speaking authentically, consciously listening or expressing appreciation for how the other feels (rather than reacting to it).
When you catch yourself in one of these three roles, try to pause and speak authentically, and even try to see the humor of them. That self-awareness helps you move back into being effective. Try it at home as well.
